If you've been following the prelude to the worldwide premiere of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" (for the next few hundred words, we'll call it "Indy 4," OK?) here at Cannes, you probably thought I'd be delivering a juicy tale about how another slick Hollywood product got destroyed on the Croisette. You've probably heard about the vicious (if merited) receptions that "The Da Vinci Code" and "X-Men: The Last Stand" received here in 2006. And every trade paper and internet site, from London to Los Angeles to some moron's room in Austin, Texas, predicted the same treatment for Indy. One London paper said if Indy truly feared snakes, he should stay out of the den full of them at Cannes. Cute.
The outlook for Indy's French arrival didn't get much better when leaked reviews hit the Web last week and deemed the film a disaster. All the makings for a classic Cannes debacle were in place. And then something strange happened ...
The movie began, lasted two hours, ended and ... nothing. As the lights went down, a few folks in the balcony cheered and began serenading the screen with the film's theme song. When the lights came up, those same fans cheered. And the rest, the other couple thousand people packed into the Lumiere Theatre -- many of whom nearly trampled one another to get into the horribly organised screening? We, they, quietly stood up and filed out. The behaviour was the same during the film: quiet, still, languid. Now, if we were watching a Ken Burns documentary, that wouldn't be uncommon.
Sadly that was what I experienced during "Indy 4." I didn't laugh much (there is a great prop joke about 10 minutes in and another snake gag that works), never felt exhilarated or had that incredible sense of "Oh, wow! That was cool!" That wave of nostalgia never washed over me when Indy first appeared. Nor did the absolutely incomprehensible plot either challenge or annoy me. I stopped trying to figure it out rather quickly, but there was nothing to distract me this time. Seriously, explain the plot of "Raiders" or "Temple of Doom." Go. I didn't think so ... it doesn't matter because the rest of those movies compensated for the convoluted plots.
But now, it's been several hours since I saw "Indy 4," and the only thing I can really say for certain is perhaps the most damning thing you can say about any action/adventure film: It's boring. And in fact, if I don't finish writing about it soon, I'm in serious trouble, because I won't remember it tomorrow. (I'm not kidding; I saw another film after "Indy 4" and I'm really having a tough time here, kids).